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Parking wars. Have you seen that show on A&E? It is pretty rad. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is like a less intense version of Cops.

Anyways, on to what I am really writing about…. So in commemoration of the long, slightly enraging week I have had, I am going to write about the one thing that has frustrated me the most over these past few months. TERRIBLE PARKERS.

YES, I WANT TO START A WAR ON THEIR ASSES FOR BAD PARKING.

So every morning when I enter the parking lot at work I happen to stumble upon a few cars that cannot seem to park within the lines allotted to them. What is even more frustrating than that is the giant SUVs that decided to park in the clearly marked “Compact” spots. Given our parking lot out there is cramped for space. But seriously? A Nissan Armada clearly does not fit in a compact spot. Good Lord people.

I have decided to make a lovely collage of pictures I have taken of these poor parkers. Yes, I have taken the time out of my days to pull out my phone and take pictures of these clearly incompetent people.

Now as you can see, that red Pontiac Solstice is a frequent offender. And I mean FREQUENT. You drive a damn PONTIAC SOLSTICE. Do you read me?? It has the word “Pontiac” in it along with the word for the time of the year when the sun is furthest from the equator.

I just want to key their cars. Yes, dress up like a pirate and key their cars. Because pirates are the best warriors. Well, second best to ninjas. I just don’t look good as a ninja.

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So it is CMA Fest here in Nashville this week. Lord help us. To keep myself distracted from getting angry and running over every tourist I see, I have decided to blog.

My sister Amelia seems to think my future child will look like this:

Yes, of course I will give birth to heavy-set Asian children.

And some how my children will give answers to test questions like this:

GENIUS. Only my brilliant kid could come up with this.

There is an elephant in the way! WTF?! It gets me every time…

Like this:

That pesky elephant always gets in the way…

LOST has ended. My life is over as we know it. I basically have stopped existing. There is no meaning to my life anymore…

We threw a LOST ending party for the epic 5 and half hour ending. 5 AND A HALF HOURS.

Complete with the DHARMA PARTY PACK!

Yes I spent $40 on a DHARMA party kit and it was TOTALLY WORTH IT.

That cat is super stoked for a DHARMA party

We labeled mini chocolates (well, Korey did. I won’t take credit for that.)

That takes dedication

I DHARMA-ed the shit out of everything

Yes, those are Tic-Tacs and water bottles with DHARMA labels.

DHARMA beer and friends

And DHARMA cups and friends

Those cats love DHARMA

So after plenty of tears, of which I was the ONLY one crying, I have reminisced and thought about my favorite parts of the night. And I have to say there is one that sticks out in my mind….

JACK’S ACTION JUMP PUNCH!

Yes, he freaking jumped in the air on the side of a cliff to knock the brains out of John Locke.

Great finale. Now I will go mourn its end.

Here is a short one for you.

I told Patrick Copeland (thecopeland.blogspot.com) that I was going to write a blog about how fantastic I am going to look when I get old. Here it goes:

I am almost certain this is me in 30+ years.

So how about this?

Still fantastic.

Happy Monday!!!

Justin Bieber or the Biebs, as I like to call him, is a Top 40 singing sensation. Now this teenager is creating a craze all over the U.S. and basically the rest of the world. He is making tween girls fall in love with him everywhere, and you know whom else? 24-YEAR OLD WOMEN.

Yes, I have fallen in love with the Biebs.

WTF Bieber?

This is the boy. Now doesn’t he scream adolescence to you? No? I didn’t think so.

He has stolen the hearts of girls of all ages all over the globe. No one can deny his pull.

That is the 14-year old coming out in me.

His songs are just too catchy. “Baby, baby, baby ohhhhhhhhhhhh” Who wouldn’t fall in love with that line?

His records are entitled “My World” and “My World 2.0”

Real unique Biebs.

Now I begin thinking, what would Bieber’s world look like?….

I want to say that is filled with unicorns and candy fountains. Oh, and no school. And everyone drives Hummers. Yes. And there are no parents allowed.

Every teeny boppers’ dream.

This is turning into a perfect world….

It’s Bieber’s world I guess…

Good Lord it has been awhile… Work has killed me lately. But guess what! I get to have my life back at work, watching Hulu and all. THANK GOODNESS. On with the good stuff.

I have this obsession, it has gotten progressively worse since college…. It is called the Wild West. Yes the Wild West. Jesse James, Deadwood, Shoot Out at the OK Corral, etc.  (I could go on forever…)

And in case I haven’t told some of you already. JESSE JAMES LIVED IN NASHVILLE! “Whaaaaat?” you say. “Yes. IN EAST NASHVILLE,” I say. The famed Wild West robber lived in Nashville for a period of time. Even had twin sons born here (they unfortunately died while infants.) The Nashville Retrospect finally has an article about it in this month’s issue. (http://nashvilleretrospect.com/) Read it. It gives me chills.

Alright. Onwards.

Back through out last summer the Belcourt (www.belcourt.org) was showing westerns in three categories. Pre 1960’s Westerns, post 1960’s Westerns and Spaghetti Westerns.

Spaghetti Westerns. Now that is an interesting term. I am going to be 100% honest right now, I initially though Spaghetti Westerns were where dudes fought with spaghetti. NO LIE. I am an idiot sometimes. A true idiot.

Pasta is messy.

Well come to find out, Sergio Leone is the Godfather of Spaghetti Westerns.

Suave, truly suave.

He actually looks like the Godfather.

Twins!

Classy.

Then there is this guy. The famed “Man with no name”

Look at that squint.

Babe. TOTAL BABE. I would pick him over that vampire guy any day.

mmmmmhmmmmmmmm

Or there is this guy, not as recognizable but just as good looking.

James Coburn.

He blows shit up in this movie. If you haven’t seen “Duck, You Sucker!” You haven’t lived.

I can only hope that in heaven I get to just hang out with them in some sort of Western Town. God’s Wild West Village is what it will be called.

God was cheap and used clip art for his sign.

Crossing my fingers for this one (winking face).

The other night I fell in love. Yes, IN LOVE.

I was watching the Men’s Figure Skating short program and it was beautiful.

Then I saw them.

One looked like a Russian scene kid and the other looked like figure skating’s version of Jim Caviezel.

Perfection, I know.

Beauty at its finest.

They are better known as Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek. Two skaters for team USA.

Now I guess there is some speculation on Johnny Wier’s sexual orentation. But you know what, I don’t care. I will forever love him and my Jim Caviezel look-alike. (And yes, I am now following JohnnyGWeir on twitter)

This reminds me of the time I fell in love with the Swiss Ski Jumper Simon Ammann during the 2006 Torino Winter games.

He looks JUST like Harry Potter

Or the time I fell in love with Jonny Moseley at the 1998 Nagano Olympics. (Guess how old I was during those olympics…)

He is definitely a “dude”. Not sure what I was thinking with this one…

I think I am just destined to marry an Olympian… preferably a figure skater.

Yes, it is destiny. Me and my Russian scene kid.

Is that not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

How about this….

EVEN CUTER.

Couples skate to the MAX. All we need now is a disco ball and the “Hokey Pokey.”

Thank you 2010 Vancouver Olympics…

Look out 2012 London Olympics! I am coming for you.

So for those of you who don’t know, a ravenous spider bit me over the weekend. Unfortunately I killed it before I knew that it bit me, so I cannot show you the sheer size of that thing.

Here is what it did look like before I so quickly took its life:

Dun dun DUN! The most feared Brown Recluse Spider!

I stepped on that thing so quickly, it didn’t even know it had it coming…

That is what the spider should look like, that son of a bitch.

This is the result of a 3 daylong journey.

That red line almost made it to that finish line the doctor drew on it.

Now before I made it in to see the doctor, I had a lovely conversation with the lady at the front desk. (She definitely gave a hip thrust when she found out that they took my medical insurance. Perfect.)

After telling her my symptoms, she proceeded to tell me it most likely was a brown recluse. Cool. Now if it was a baby brown recluse, they can’t control their venom output. Very cool.

Then she says, “It is almost like a vampire, since I am reading that Twilight book over here.” EVEN COOLER.

This lady was likening my potentially life threatening spider bite to a vampire novel.

Now how would you like to see that thing coming at you?? HUH?

After describing to the doctor how this mad vampire spider bit me. She then proceeded to give a shot in my butt. Yep. Real classy.

They wouldn’t let me leave after that. I had to sit there. In case I passed out from the antibiotics.

They nonchalantly said to Emiley, “If she drops to the floor, just scream.”

Yep, that is classy me fainting.

I AM SPIDERWOMAN.

So my 24th birthday is just a few weeks away. Too exciting. But it got me thinking this morning about getting older…A lot older.

The other day while I was surfing one of my favorite blogs, I came across this post regarding celebrities and what they are going to look like in the future. (http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/2009/12/look-what-the-future-may-hold-for-some-of-our-fave-celebs/)

And I saw this shining in all of its glory:

Yes please. Don’t you just want to be hanging out with them at the local senior citizen’s center? Duhhhhhh

Then I started thinking about aging myself. How hilarious would that be?

Oh it was.

Mine is obviously not as good as our favorite celebrities, but then I started thinking….

I just had to do it.

Then I continued on my aging quest and came upon this little gem.

God, I hope one day I can be just like them.

Party on dudes.

So this is my friend Zach:

Most of you all know him.

Well about a month ago, this happened to him:

Don’t worry, he is OKAY! He broke his femur pretty bad. Like really bad. But they put a rod in it and now he has a bionic leg. AWESOME.

Bionic leg, get it?

Well now Zach has commissioned me and my UNBELIEVABLE art skillz to create a new tattoo for him in memoriam of “the crash that almost killed him, but it didn’t and now he has a bionic leg.”

So of course I am taking this assignment verrrrrrry seriously. I have tapped into my creative prowess and created this:

Good. No, really good.

I mean, it not only commemorates this astonishing accident, but also shows Zach’s machismo. Yes, machismo. Only someone with his physical aptitude could survive an accident like that. Manly. Yes.

Here’s to wishful thinking Zach.